Guilt

I was maybe 10 when I realised something was wrong

Perhaps I was anywhere between that and 14

But by high school I knew I hated how you made me feel

So I found my cave and hid away

Don’t let the Fallen Angel find you

Pretend you’re busy, you’ve got stuff to do

Yet I was gaslit time and time again to believe you were my victim

That tone in my voice or lack of

Told I’m treating the emotional like the emotionless

I’m the villain treading in your fairytale

And time and time again I believed I was filling the mould you had created for me

You were supposed to be the one who knew best

To be the one I could trust

So when I dug my cave and you screamed at me from outside it

Yelling that I was the one who created the gap between us

The cave was dug to protect me from the screams, yet it only angered you more

When you saw the place I made for myself to avoid making you angry

Suddenly it was like a self-fulfilling prophecy

No matter what I did or didn’t do

The Fallen Angel was always crying through you

Maybe by the time I was 18, I began to realise that I wasn’t the one creating the wrongs

You forced me to walk on eggshells and I called that life

I heard your voice and I’d lock my door and crumble beside it

Found my voice speak up against you and I found myself an anxiety attack

You are my anxiety attack

Hopeless little girl, I know you’re hurting too

But I ain’t your saviour

Your emotional punching bag

Your human shaped stress ball

Nothing you do to me will ever make your pain go away

In fact it’ll only add to your list and make you hate yourself more

I’m tired of feeling angry

I’m tired of feeling scared

I’m tired of feeling hurt all the time

I’m tired of feeling like I’m constantly complaining

I’m tired of feeling like I deserve to be yelled at with every conflict

I’m tired of feeling afraid of all humans in this world we all have to share

I’m tired of feeling like I don’t know what it’s like to wear my own goddamn skin

I’m tired of feeling like I have to second guess everything I want and if I tell someone they’ll convince me otherwise

I’m tired

I don’t wanna be your victim forever

I don’t want to feel like I’m broken and can never be fixed

To feel like I’ll always have to apologise cuz I simply exist

That whenever I have emotions, there’s something wrong with me and I’m the monster you always showed to be

And now everyone else feels like they need to walk on eggshells around me

I don’t wanna bite my tongue and I don’t wanna explain and excuse the holes you dug but left it for us to deal with

And I don’t want you to blame yourself forever

But goddammit you do deserve to hurt and feel the pain you cause

And I do not want this be another reason you down an entire bottle of pills

I want it to hurt, I want you to feel bad, but fucking hell I want you to learn

Let the tears caused flower and grow and bloom

Don’t just reap what you sew and wilt

Pick up the goddamn shovel and give life instead of take

Yes, from a young age, I felt like I loss a lot of my life and what it could have been

And yes, I blamed you for a majority of that

But there is no point in continuing the cycle of misery

Hopeless little girl, you pickup those gardening tools and you start again

You try and you try until the cycle finally comes to an end